By A. Daniel Bodine
AUSTIN—The pole tax idea was okay. And of course they've been taxing whiskey since long before Sarah Palin ever even heard of the infamous Tea Party tax. But when a Democratic lawmaker in a Senate Finance hearing Tuesday dared to propose putting a penny per ounce tax on consumers for drinking Coca Cola and other soda pop, he threatened to rip the very heart out of some of the more popular Texas folklore ever. Don't touch our Coke! is what somebody needs to get on a Lone Star bumper sticker! Hell's bells! This is too much!
Really, how much more of this are we supposed to take, folks?! Yeah, the sky's going to fall on everything from Texas schools to free rabies shots for my neighbor's ugly, barking dog because the budget deficit is so huge. It's gotta be cut! We've heard it already! And a few of us have even taken to sharpening our pocket knives in the mornings. Patriotism is thicker in Texas than honey-do's at a Sunday afternoon Baptist church social.
But get a life, governor! Show some leadership! There's been enough of these stories to raise Santa Ana's Yellow Rose from her grave. An online Austin Radio KLBJ story that moved April 8, for instance, revealed $5.5 billion in proposed cuts by Texas senators. You know these folks, guv? You ever thought of asking them for a little giddy-up and go on your to-do agenda. The list of savings included more than 24 proposals that hit just about everything but my wife's shoe closet. And were mostly harmless. Such as:
- $324.8 million from ending the sales tax exemption for contract computer programming;
- $590 million from moving set aside Tobacco Permanent Health Funds from one account to another account (for real, folks!); and
- $426 million by suspending the high-cost gas exemption for two years.
Get all that? More 'n 24 of 'em. Apparently our state's so rich we don't need to all gather down at our local river and streams next month for a prayer meeting, just before the world ends, singing, “In the Swe-e-e-e-e-t-t-t Bye and Bye...” No, we drew a bye on it. You ain't heard?! We can literally stick our tongues out at those end of world church folks who've been traveling the world telling everybody what's gonna happen; smile, and say, We'll see ya'll on the other side. Makes as much sense, it does!
Historically, Texas legislators have never been known to have too many of those “ah, ha!” moments when it comes to budget matters. But it sure seems coming into about the middle of the month they were resolved to at least step up to the plate and start swinging. So then...? Did someone call a timeout?
A few days later news reports were top-heavy with stories circulating (some a little jaded probably) nationally about how 2/3 of U.S. corporations pay zero federal taxes. From wa-a-a-y out in left field, they came. But admittedly, yes, it'd make your face taut and red, sure 'nuff. And to think of coming out with something like that right at tax time, too. Not fair, it was. Clearly.
'Cause holy G's, if you're whacking on a budget, naturally then, you'll move corporations right up there to the top of the list of items you need to take a meat-ax to. Then to muddy things more (Duh..Humff! I'm guessing here, folks), somebody down the end of the table with a rare “ah, ha,” goes, Pshhh...! You could combine these with those who make sugary drinks that make our kids fat, and you could score you a double duce!”
“Hot damn! A Holy G double bogey! And we can probably go home this weekend early, too!! Everybody in favor say, 'Aye.' The ayes have it!” Thud, thud! “We're outa here! Meeting adjourned.”
And that's probably how poor ol' Coca Cola got it stuck to 'em. It's a big ol' popular corporation, yes it is! And it sells...Whoo, muchas! Ten thousand gillion soda pops a year to our youngsters. And to us ol' scatter-brain, old folks, too. So what do we hear Tuesday? Tax those soda pops! Tax 'em! Tax 'em!
Well, this simply can't go through. No! Hell, Coke ain't no distant, megagobbalis organization somewhere off there. Coke is local and personal. Family. It's young boys on their bicycles off fossil hunting down on Buffalo Creek some hot summer afternoon. Stopping at the corner grocery on the way for a Coke and candy bar, of course. Know the local distributors; one of their sons is on the same Little League baseball team as them. Good families all!
Coke no doubt has built up more good standing in America than all the doughnut chains combined. I mean, it's colossal! For a large part of the 20th Century one of the first things you saw in most towns and cities you entered was the large sign, Coca Cola. And now a few stressed legislators want to tread on that?
Revisit a bit of the state's golden history with Coca Cola here, if you will. And then look up your state senator and representative on the internet and send them a quick cocagram: Don't Touch our Coke! 'Ya hear me!?
That's all you need to say. They'll know exactly what you're talking about. Then maybe we can cut the head offa this nasty tax beast before it goes any further, and that'll be the last of it!
Craziest damn thing I ever heard of folks!
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